My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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