God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize
