I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
