you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
