Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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