Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
