we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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