I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
