You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
