Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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