How has he not realized you're pregnant?
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sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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