Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Enjoy the penises
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
