being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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