did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
