its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
