Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
