These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
