Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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