so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
there is puke in my bra ... again
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
