Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
