I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
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