My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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