Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
