Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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