after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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