remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
