I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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