Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Randomize