I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Alive.
So much puke
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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