you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
