party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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