those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
