I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
