you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
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Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
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I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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