I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
