before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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