i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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