end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
