It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
