Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
she woke up with a sticky ear
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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