I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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