How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
