no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
