Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
