Jerry, you need to find god
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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