Your dad touched me again.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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