is your mom at the bar?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
