I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
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Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
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Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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