it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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