i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
