I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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