You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
