Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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