Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
