John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
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