brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Randomize
